Counting Towards Something
I learned some very important things about myself recently. (As I am sure the anticipation is killing you, I won't bore you with some long introduction and far-fetched allusions.) I have learned (1) that everything I do has to matter in some way, and (2) that I like fantasy fiction. The latter should not have been such an epiphone to me, especially considering how much I enjoy LOTR and Harry Potter, but it was. It was my husband who suggested it. We were riding in our car and I was listening for the umpteenth time to The Two Towers. He kept asking questions and I, proud of my vast LOTR knowledge, answered in the longest and most complicated way possible (I wanted him to be impressed). Then he said it: Amy, I really don't understand your love for fantasy fiction. "Fantasy fiction? I don't love fantasy fiction! Only losers like fantasy fiction, you know, like trekkies." He looked at me knowingly. Well apparently, I am a loser. So, in my pain-staking quest to find and accomplish new projects, I am going to try reading some new books in this genre and see if indeed I am a loser. Now to explain my next stop on the path to self-enlightenment. You may think that the statement "Everything I do has to matter" is some way of expressing my need for meaning in my life. Well, on a deeper level, that is true. But let me give you some examples on a not-so-deep level.
Every time I read a book, I record all its information (author, pages, publisher, whether I took any notes or quotes from it, rating - my own personal, and very complicated system - and any comments I may have, etc.) on a spreadsheet. Otherwise, it's like I didn't even read the book and I have to read it again in order for it to count.
When I watch TV, I often find myself wishing that everything I watch was included as part of the Niellson ratings. I want what I watch to be counted and measured and reported, otherwise, watching TV is totally pointless.
I will not run without my Nike+iPod kit. Otherwise, my run is not counted and it is as if I haven't run at all. Do I think about the health that is improved or the waistline that is shrunken due to a run that perhaps hadn't been counted? No. I just won't run unless it is recorded into my computer.
I have a list of projects that I want to complete and published it right here on this blog. Apparently the feeling of accomplishment is not enough for me. I also must have it recorded somewhere that I am working on it and have finished it.
I also have a very detailed spreadsheet of anything that I want to spend my money on. If I cannot cross it off that list, the purchase was pointless.
Had enough?
Unfortunately, a set-back with all these points is that I am also quite lazy. Now if I could find a way to make laziness matter in some way, I'd be golden (perhaps a spreadsheet detailing hours of laziness and quality of that time as compared to other laziness times taken?).
Once again, my sweet husband was the one who made me realize this (If I had known I'd learn so much about myself through marriage, I'm not sure if i would have gotten married in the first place. But that's a topic for a whole different blog post.). As I contemplated the amount of laziness accomplished this past weekend, I realized it just isn't fulfilling. I need more. I guess I thought everyone felt like this (if I'm one way, then I just assume everyone else is as well). Well, I was trying to explain this to Ryan when I realized he had no idea what I was talking about. Eventually, however, he understood - or at least pretended to very well - and became much more sympathetic. Once again, I find myself with a project - to find something to do to make my time matter. It just has to, at least for me, because otherwise, life is pointless.
So, whether this is indulging my life-long dream of writing a LOTR encyclopedia or getting more involved in music or children ministries at church, the point is: I am on a quest to find something. (I welcome any suggestions - can't promise to do any/all of them.. lazy, remember?) I'll keep you updated.
Remember? The Alamo
Ryan and I have decided that we need to adopt some better habits. For example, we now eat our dinners at the table instead of in front of the TV. This has been life changing in several ways. One, I do not watch nearly as much TV as I used to. Two, I don't snack in front of the TV at all. And three, the most important of all, I always remember the Alamo. What does this have to do with us eating at the dinner table? you may ask. Everything. Because there, perched on the wall next to which our table sits, is a beautiful cross-stiched image of the famed building, with those famous words stiched beneath. Needless to say, the picture is not my mine. It made it to the wall for two reasons: Ryan's dad made it for him when Ryan was young, and the frame matches the table. Nevertheless, the words have been fused in my brain and now every day I am obliged to remember the Alamo.
Unfortunately, I didn't know much about the Alamo as I have never had to remember it before, so I did a very small bit of research. It's an interesting story and if it hadn't been so depressing, I might have read more, or even watched a movie depicting the events. The gist of it all is that many Texan men fought at the Alamo for freedom, and died for it.
Now, every night as I eat, I think about the cost of freedom and what my life would be like without it. Seemingly, this is exactly why the phrase "remember the Alamo" was first uttered. However, as it was for the freedom of Texas and not America in general, my life probably wouldn't be so different. I am not from Texas, I've never been to Texas, and I don't really care much about Texas (I am sorry, all you Texans). So there I sit, pondering, wondering, and feeling, well, mostly depressed - that picture staring at me, challenging me to think of anything but an event that has absolutely nothing to do with me. "I know," I mutter with submission (in my head, of course. I don't want Ryan to know I'm crazy.). But every so often, in the deep recesses of my mind, I escape the call of the picture and realize the tedium in remembering the Alamo every single night.
In Costume
My husband has a blog where he and some of his friends from college spout off about their various political opinions, among other topics. I am not an avid follower of politics like these guys, and therefore have never before posted on their site. Until today. Today I had a few things I wanted to say, but I knew that they would not listen or respect what I wrote. So I posted under an alias. Oh! the freedom I felt! I could say whatever I wanted and no one would ever be the wiser. Not only did I post once, I posted 4 times! Unfortunate as it may be, these gentlemen appreciated the comments left by a stranger (interestingly enough - a man) than if the comments had been left by their friend's wife.
These events led me to start thinking about Shakespeare and his commentary about the freedoms of being in costume. One of my favorite Shakespeare plays is "As You Like It." In the story, the main character- Rosalind - puts on a disguise and only then is able to truly talk and get to know the man she loves.
Think about it. If you were in costume and no one knew it was you, what would you do? I know you've wished you were invisible at some point, why? What is the appeal of becoming invisible? There is a certain freedom in word and deed when no one can connect them back to us.
Unfortunately, my brief encounter with "invisibility" was dashed by my husband's big mouth. But it did start me thinking about perhaps living more more often like I was invisible, except that I'm not. Would I be braver? Would my voice be louder? Would people - or even myself - find that I actually had interesting things to say? Maybe I should start giving it a try.
No! I would never cheat!
Your IQ Is 140
Your Logical Intelligence is
Below Average
Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius
Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius
Your General Knowledge is Genius
My poor logical IQ. As much as I cheated, I couldn't raise it at all.... :-P
What My Face Says.
What Your Face Says
At first glance, people see you as driven and ambitious.Overall, your true self is reserved and logical.
With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react.
In love, you seem energetic - almost manic.
In stressful situations, you seem selfish and moody.
My Linguistic Profile
Your Linguistic Profile: 65% General American English 20% Yankee 5% Dixie 5% Upper Midwestern 0% Midwestern
What I wouldn't choose over chocolate.
In other words, I am going to attempt to write a complete list of things that I would never choose over chocolate. Unless I for some reason have had my fill of chocolate. But I don't think that will ever happen, and has indeed never happened, even though I have been on some serious chocolate binges. OK, here goes:
internet access
work
hair highlights
professional manicures & pedicures
Diet Coke
talking on the phone
buying new purses
paying too much on gasoline
writing lists
going out on Friday nights
office supplies (or office supply shopping)
entertainment news
all my knowledge of economics
any kind of alcohol
seeing new movies
Ned Lamont & Joe Lieberman
Arizona, actually pretty much any "A" state
Duct tape
Harry Potter
My music collection
My DVD collection
President Bush
"America's Got Talent" and "I Love Lucy"
baseball
my Honda
The 20 questions game
kittens
apple pie
OK, after much consideration, that is the complete list. These are the many things in my life that I would never choose over chocolate. There's nothing else. And for those of you who know me well, you will see how much I really love chocolate because of how important some of those things are to me. At the same time, however, I couldn't care less about some of those things. I guess it's up to you to figure it out.
Be Careful...
I wish I could be reminded of my mortality without having to lose something precious. I wish I would cry more at the ends of books and less during corny TV shows.
I wish I lived in a castle and had long enough hair for my prince to admire it, even from my tower window.
I wish I had magical powers and everything I touched would succeed.
I wish I were tall and lean with a wonderful fashion sense.
I wish I hadn’t taken youth for granted when I was young.
I wish I was uninhibited and felt free to explore my wildest dreams.
I wish I was a Broadway singer, with a voice that reached to the rafters.
I wish I could dance freely and not wonder what people were thinking.
I wish I were a fairy princess, with evil stepsisters but a kind heart and my loyal subjects loved me as their queen.
I wish I were a better wife, friend, daughter, and Christian.
I wish I were more like my mom and grandmother.
I wish, when I looked out my window from a soft window seat, that there would be soft rolling green hills as far as my eyes could see.
I wish I were a writer.
I wish my favorite food was broccoli and its all I ever wanted to eat.
I wish Cadbury Cream Eggs were a magical potion that made you lose weight in all the right places.
I wish I was brave enough to star in my own adventure.
I wish my fears wouldn’t overtake me.
I wish I was disciplined enough to achieve my goals.
I wish I knew how to be content and “content” wasn’t such a boring word.
I wish my husband acted just like he does in my head.
I wish my imagination wouldn’t lead me to discontentment or disquiet, but would only come out when I call, with something absolutely brilliant.
I wish I were somewhat good at a lot of things.
I wish I were really good at one thing.
I wish I didn’t have to work, but never got bored.
I wish I could travel mystical isles, attempting dangerous deeds and exhilarating quests, while saving my money to buy beautiful robes and a horse to be my friend and carry me on my journey.
...what you wish for.
Italian Ice
Here is a perfect example of emotions gone awry: Due to the horrendous heat of late, our HR person just brought around Italian Ice for everyone in the building. She came over to my cube and I chose my preferred flavor. "What's the occassion?" I asked.
"Hottest day of the year!" She answered and I laughed. Ha ha ha. (What else is there to talk about in an office but the weather? Thank goodness for extremely hot days and blizzards.)
I brought my Ice back to my desk and looked at it. How sweet, I thought. I'm so excited to eat it. And then I burst into tears.
Like I said, emotions gone awry.
Earlier this morning...
I was minding my own business, creating reports for my boss, when from the corner of my eye, I noticed a small black spot moving quickly toward my hand. I jumped and saw that yes, my worst fear was confirmed, it was a spider. I quickly moved everything away from the spot and started slamming my mug against the speedy arachnid. Soon I realized I wasn't making a dent in the thing and the noise from my mug was echoing through the entire building. I put the mug down and made up my mind. I needed help. Off I ran to my boss's office. "Can you kill a spider for me?" I might have added "mommy" to the end of the sentence, because I felt like a small child. I was horrified to find I was shaking and sweating because of this 1/2 inch wide beast.
"Oh, I'll come kill it. Does it help do data runs? If it doesn't help with our work, it doesn't deserve to be here." She grabbed one of our publications and splat - it was dead. I thanked her profusely, but had the feeling she was laughing at me.
No longer able to sit at my desk in comfort, I performed a prolonged spider-check, bringing me back to the days of my youth. Every night I checked my room, every dark corner, every spec of the floor. I'm sure my dad remembers those days, with me screaming for him, even after he had gone to bed.
Often I spout out about how much I've changed since my school days. I'm not the same person I was back then. Yet, I still find myself asking the same timid question. "Can you come kill a spider for me?"
Wish List!
August is upon us! A new month brings a new allotment of spending money. Granted, this is a very small amount so I have to make it last. But just for fun, here is a list of things I am saving up for. 1. a wireless Mighty Mouse! (http://www.apple.com/mightymouse/)
2. Frasier Season 8
3. a shade for our kitchen window*
4. a couple nice skirts for work*
5. a sewing machine
6. The Return of the King on audio CD
7. An assortment of books, CDs, and movies (Amazon Wishlist)
8. a haircut*
9. WoW Expansion Pack (not out yet) - if you don't know what this is, don't ask.
10. a Mac laptop
11. a tiny cell-phone
12. a tiny PDA
OK, that was fun. Those with * beside them are probably ones I will get this month. The rest will have to wait for later months. And numbers 10-12 are just distant dreams.
Disclaimer: This post is in no way a hint to any readers. It is simply me wanting to take my mind off the events of the day.
I could drown myself in it.
Chocolate, that is. Today is just such a blah day. Not quite emotionless, however. I don't think I've ever been at that point. There's always an emotion, lurking in the corner, about to spring out and surprise me with a bout tears or delight. (This is something Ryan does not understand. Emotions can be controlled. If it doesn't make sense to feel this way, then I shouldn't. A must always follow B. But he doesn't understand that after B comes C, so if I jump from A to C, that's OK in the logic of math. Or even if I feel like freakin' Z because of A, that's OK too. If you don't follow, don't worry. I'm not sure if I'm making sense. Read this in my other blog.)
I have felt like crying today, though. My car practically broke down on me. I'm so tired of working. My head has been hurting. A lot of what I'm feeling, however, I'm sure is because I feel like I'm floating instead of swimming. I want to go somewhere, but I'm going no where. I wrote to some of the wonderful women in my family: This week I'm down, but next week will probably be the greatest week of my life. That's what an emotional roller-coaster I'm always on... Poor Ryan.
Why I Need Chocolate.
This, I'm sure, is old news by now. But I felt it was appropriate for this blog. Unfortunately, after reading the article (and watching my waistline grow), I now know I eat all the wrong kinds.
Harry Pottered Out
Between re-reading all the books, listening to them on CD on my way to and from work, discussing them with my husband as he reads them, and watching the movies every weekend, I must confess to being slightly tired of it all! Wow, I feel almost guilty saying that... I am a very adamant fan. So I am on a bit of a Harry Potter hiatus. For me, this will probably last a couple weeks. After all, as soon as Ryan finishes book 4, we will have to watch the movie! I will take the time now to catch up on Lord of the Rings (I have all those on audio CD too). I have started with The Hobbit and will continue through the end, watching the movies when I finish each one.
I have found that these types of epic books can be read over and over! The detail is absolutely incredible and I am amazed after reading and listening to The Hobbit many times that I don't even remember the whole story! The same is true for nearly all the Harry Potter books, especially the long ones. This does lead me to wonder if this says more about my memory than the detail of the books... Oh well, I will choose to believe the latter.
I think the reason for my attraction to these types of books is that they really are romantic in the true sense of the word. The characters are larger-than-life and there is a strong emphasis on the individuals and their personalities. The themes are similar in both sets of books as well: There is a chosen one who must do a certain deed to save the rest of the world. It's an interesting and appealing concept, and certainly not new. Many movies explore the same idea! But maybe one of the reasons for its appeal on my own behalf is that it is the same theme of the Bible. The entire Old Testament is the story of a people waiting for the One who will finally redeem them. He finally comes as an unlikely hero - most people don't even believe he will do the job. But His sacrifice does indeed save all of mankind - if we choose to accept it.
I could go on and on... but this certainly is not the place for an essay.
Anyway, even as I write this post I realize I will never be able to continue my hiatus. As much as I read, listen, and watch, I will never grow tired of Harry Potter! But I guess the break is good, so that when I begin listening again (probably around October), each book will carry the same magic for me (no pun intended) as the first time.
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I love you, Harry!! (don't tell Ryan...)
Project Update
As promised, I am letting my faithful readers (all two of you) know the progress of my self-imposed goals. 1. I have not worked on my quilt at all.
2. I have not worked on my story or its illustrations at all.
3. I have not worked on Mimi's stories at all, or looked for the tape.
4. I have not worked on my novel at all.
5. I have not run at all. But today is the first day of it! Ryan and I are going after work. Hmmm... maybe I should have written this post after we ran - it would have looked like I'd already accomplished something.
6. I forgot to post on Venustas this weekend. I did, however, post last night.
7. I have looked into reunion details and done some brainstorming. I have a few ideas that might work and make it a fun event. I still have to pick a place, time & date though.
OK, so there are the bitter details. I have not done much with my time, but I haven't been bored! What have I been up to, you might be asking? That's for another time and another post.
Golf Schmolf
golf.JPG
Yep - I went golfing today. You may have guessed that I did not do as well as I'd hoped. Although, I cannot totally blame my ability. The past three times we have been golfing together, my score has dropped by around 12 strokes. I will not reveal from what to what, however. I think the poor performance of today was due entirely to the weather. The reports say it felt like 104 degrees, because of the humidity. It was horrible! Nevertheless, we had a nice time and I got some cute pics out of it. Here are just a couple - perhaps I will post more later.
My dad putting and Ryan holding the flag.
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My mom - she'll hate this picture because she was sweating, like we all were, but I think she looks cute. Besides, no one ever looks at this blog, right?
Soccer Games
I played soccer through my junior high and high school years. Regrettably, I was not very good, although I really think I could have been better if I had started playing at a younger age. I only ever started a game once - my senior year - and sometimes I didn't even play. But that didn't matter to my dad. He was always there to cheer me on. My dad was a very busy man. He travelled a lot for his work - mostly overseas. There was one year he was literally commuting to Madrid, Spain and was home on the weekends. This had its advantages, as many times he could take my mother and I along with him. Through this I gained some international experience I never would have otherwise. But it also had its downsides. He worked long hours and was very busy. As I grew into a teenager, it didn't seem to matter as much though. In fact, as I went to my soccer games, I would have preferred that he didn't go! But more often than not, he was there, embarrassing me by cheering loudly on the sidelines, in his expensive suit.
Now, as I look back on those times, I feel the opposite of what I was feeling then. I feel special that he made those games a priority, even though I wasn't very good. It was one of his ways of showing me how special I was to him. So many times I conveyed to him, through rolling my eyes and sarcastic remarks, my annoyance at his showing up, but it never deterred him. He recognized that someday I would look back and appreciate that he was there. And by george, he was right! =)
I love you, Daddy.
Rex: The Tiniest Yorkie
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We put his hair in clips - how emasculating!
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Sweet little puppy!!
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He LOVES that pink blanket!