I learned some very important things about myself recently. (As I am sure the anticipation is killing you, I won't bore you with some long introduction and far-fetched allusions.) I have learned (1) that everything I do has to matter in some way, and (2) that I like fantasy fiction. The latter should not have been such an epiphone to me, especially considering how much I enjoy LOTR and Harry Potter, but it was. It was my husband who suggested it. We were riding in our car and I was listening for the umpteenth time to The Two Towers. He kept asking questions and I, proud of my vast LOTR knowledge, answered in the longest and most complicated way possible (I wanted him to be impressed). Then he said it: Amy, I really don't understand your love for fantasy fiction. "Fantasy fiction? I don't love fantasy fiction! Only losers like fantasy fiction, you know, like trekkies." He looked at me knowingly. Well apparently, I am a loser. So, in my pain-staking quest to find and accomplish new projects, I am going to try reading some new books in this genre and see if indeed I am a loser. Now to explain my next stop on the path to self-enlightenment. You may think that the statement "Everything I do has to matter" is some way of expressing my need for meaning in my life. Well, on a deeper level, that is true. But let me give you some examples on a not-so-deep level.
- Every time I read a book, I record all its information (author, pages, publisher, whether I took any notes or quotes from it, rating - my own personal, and very complicated system - and any comments I may have, etc.) on a spreadsheet. Otherwise, it's like I didn't even read the book and I have to read it again in order for it to count.
- When I watch TV, I often find myself wishing that everything I watch was included as part of the Niellson ratings. I want what I watch to be counted and measured and reported, otherwise, watching TV is totally pointless.
- I will not run without my Nike+iPod kit. Otherwise, my run is not counted and it is as if I haven't run at all. Do I think about the health that is improved or the waistline that is shrunken due to a run that perhaps hadn't been counted? No. I just won't run unless it is recorded into my computer.
- I have a list of projects that I want to complete and published it right here on this blog. Apparently the feeling of accomplishment is not enough for me. I also must have it recorded somewhere that I am working on it and have finished it.
- I also have a very detailed spreadsheet of anything that I want to spend my money on. If I cannot cross it off that list, the purchase was pointless.
Unfortunately, a set-back with all these points is that I am also quite lazy. Now if I could find a way to make laziness matter in some way, I'd be golden (perhaps a spreadsheet detailing hours of laziness and quality of that time as compared to other laziness times taken?).
Once again, my sweet husband was the one who made me realize this (If I had known I'd learn so much about myself through marriage, I'm not sure if i would have gotten married in the first place. But that's a topic for a whole different blog post.). As I contemplated the amount of laziness accomplished this past weekend, I realized it just isn't fulfilling. I need more. I guess I thought everyone felt like this (if I'm one way, then I just assume everyone else is as well). Well, I was trying to explain this to Ryan when I realized he had no idea what I was talking about. Eventually, however, he understood - or at least pretended to very well - and became much more sympathetic. Once again, I find myself with a project - to find something to do to make my time matter. It just has to, at least for me, because otherwise, life is pointless.
So, whether this is indulging my life-long dream of writing a LOTR encyclopedia or getting more involved in music or children ministries at church, the point is: I am on a quest to find something. (I welcome any suggestions - can't promise to do any/all of them.. lazy, remember?) I'll keep you updated.