This Old House

Ryan has mentioned moving again, and I feel his pain. His commute is over an hour each way and I know that's two hours a day that he is away from me and the kids. But I struggle with the thought of moving because I've grown to love our little house. I tell him if it weren't for his commute, I'd live in this house forever. You see, I look at it and see it's potential. Yes, it's sweet and comfortable and even attractive in some ways as it is now. But there are so many possibilities as to what this house could become! We could dormer out the upstairs back and/or front. We could add to the back. We could convert the garage to a great room and move the driveway behind the house. It could be roomier, cozier, and even more attractive with just a little work.

I was explaining all this to my dear friend, and telling her how grateful to God I am for the contentment I find in this house. It's so easy to see bigger and more beautiful houses and wish they were mine, but instead, I am grateful for what I have.

And then I had a flash of analogy: this is how God loves us! He sees our imperfections and our potential. He looks at us and sees what we could be with a little work. And He isn't going to move on to another project before finishing the work He has put into us. There are some things that need fixing or a little coat of paint and there are some things that need to be completely gutted and rebuilt. And He will do it all, lovingly, one step at a time. As long as we let Him.

Of course, the analogy is imperfect because while I whine and moan when I have to move the oldest dishwasher in the world to the sink to plug in the water or when I have to trudge down into the darkest parts of the basement with piles and piles of laundry, God doesn't complain about all the work He has to do in us when we are so stubborn. But it still gave me pause, and helped me to remember His great love for me.

And His continual work in me, especially in learning to stop whining about dishes and laundry.

To the woman who says she's not beautiful

I am on a journey. As a woman who has been on a diet her entire adult life (ie. been cheating on a diet my entire adult life), I now say I am done. I am done looking in the mirror and seeing what is wrong with my body and deciding to try dieting. Instead, I am going to look in the mirror at this amazing, beautiful body that God has given me, and decide to treat it right: healthy foods, activity, and respect.

I call this a journey because an entire lifetime of a certain way of thinking cannot be changed overnight. It is a journey of respecting myself, of being an example to my daughter, and of honoring my Lord God and Creator. He gave me this body, gave me my health, allowed me to carry babies, etc. etc. etc. The list could go on and on! And that is the list I want to focus on.

And yet, do you know when my resolve waivers along this journey? When I hear you, you lovely, beautiful, talented, smart, amazing woman, talk down about yourself. I start to think if this lovely, beautiful, talented smart, amazing woman thinks badly about herself, how much worse must I be? How much worse must she think of me? (Now I know you're not thinking worse of me, because everyone is hardest on themselves, but that is how I interpret your words.)

So please, let's just stop. I know... I do it, too. But for the sake of my journey, and even more importantly, for the sake of my daughter's young and pure journey, please stop the negative self-talk.

I could say when we have conversations, start telling me wonderful things about yourself. But let's face it, we're women... that's not going to happen. So instead, look at me and tell me something you admire. And I will do the same to you. I can pull up every woman that I know in my mind and think of dozens of positive things I could genuinely say about them.

You, woman who is reading this blog post, I promise you, I think you are beautiful.

So for my sake, for your sake, and for the sake of our daughters', stop talking negatively about yourselves, and truly believe that you are a beautiful creature of God.

Will you join me on this journey?

Take my life

A friend recently asked me why I had the music and lyrics to the song "Take My Life and Let It Be" (Frances R. Havergal) up on my fridge. I hadn't ever really thought about it before, but I immediately said, "I feel like it's my prayer as a housewife, homemaker, and mother." (Actually, I wasn't quite that eloquent, but that's what I meant.) And the more I've thought about it, the more I realize how true that is! In fact, tonight as I was washing and cutting up strawberries (my new favorite dessert, thanks to my new, sugarless lifestyle - yes, I'm now one of those people who eats FRUIT like DESSERT!), I was singing it to myself and imagining how the words pertained to the stay-at-home mom. So here is what I came up with: Take my life and let it be Consecrated, Lord, to Thee. My life may look mundane, in all the routine little things that I do (will the dishes ever end??) but it is the life the Lord has laid out for me, and it is sacred. I have dedicated it to Him, so even in doing the never-ending dishes, I am worshipping Him.

Take my moments and my days, Let them flow in endless praise. I want my children to see me worshipping the Lord in everything I do. If I can live out a life of praise in front of them, how much easier will it be for them to do it, too!

Take my hands and let them move At the impulse of Thy love. Take my feet and let them be Swift and beautiful for Thee. So many times I want to just lose my temper. "How many times do I need to tell you to put your toys away???" But instead of condemning and acting out in anger, I pray that I will act out in love. I love these children so much. May my hands and my actions show them so.

Take my voice and let me sing, Always, only for my King. Do you know how often I've sung the song "Let it go" from Frozen??? Well, if you're a mother of a young girl, you probably know... it's a LOT! But how often am I singing praise choruses, or even this hymn? I want to be worshipful, even/especially in my singing. (Nothing wrong with singing a little "Let it go", though! How much longer will my daughter want to be singing those songs with me? But even those precious moments with our children can be worshipful.)

Take my lips and let them be Filled with messages from Thee. I pray that I would be more bold in my faith. It's not something I'm ashamed of, but something I cherish. Why do I withhold that precious gift from my non-believer friends? And I want to take every opportunity with my children to tell them about Jesus.

Take my silver and my gold, Not a mite would I withhold. I pray that I would be more generous and think less of myself when it comes to physical belongings. Don't I want my children to understand generosity? Do I want them to be spoiled? Or see me be spoiled?

Take my intellect and use Every pow’r as Thou shalt choose. So many people think that becoming a stay-at-home mom means that our minds/education has gone to waste. I pray that would not be so. I pray that I can use my intellect, my education, my knowledge to help my children understand more of life.

Take my will and make it Thine, It shall be no longer mine. Yes, I am a control-freak. (Actually, sometimes singing "Let it go" to myself helps me remember to do just that!) I pray that I would honor God's calling in my life. Even if it means I have to give up control.

Take my heart, it is Thine own, It shall be Thy royal throne. Take my love, my Lord, I pour At Thy feet its treasure store. More than anything, I want to love Jesus. I want Him to reign in my life. I want my children to see that in me, and I want love Him, too.

Take myself and I will be Ever, only, all for Thee. And that speaks for itself. That is my prayer. In every aspect of my life, may I live it for the Lord.

Dear David

I am so happy that you are here with me! I love to hold you and cuddle you and you are just precious to me. I wondered how a mother could love more that one child, but now it’s so obvious to me! You are a joy to have around and have been such a wonderful experience for us! I am excited to watch you grow and find out who you will turn out to be. I pray that you will love Jesus, like your namesake David in the Bible. He didn’t care what other people thought of him, he just loved God! He danced in the streets and made a fool of himself because he loved the Lord so much. I love to look at David and see his troubled heart be soothed by contemplating the love of the Lord. What an amazing lesson, and one I hope you will treasure in your heart as well. I also pray for your purity, both of mind and body, because I know how hard it is for a man in the society that we live in today.

You are also named after your grandfathers and your daddy, all good men who love the Lord and their families. All have such good work ethics and the desire to take care of the ones they love. I pray that you will take after their examples and be a good man, husband, and father someday.

And finally, David means beloved, just like Amy, so you are also named after me. You are already our beloved, but first you were God’s beloved. I love to think of God calling me his beloved and knowing me and yet still loving me so much. It is the same with you. He loves you because you are his beautiful creation. And I love you, too, not because of who you are yet, although I’m sure that will come, but because you are a part of me. Nothing you can ever do will stop me from loving you like that.

Love,

Your Mommy

Loving God

In working my way through the Bible in one y​ear, as part of my resolutions, I'm currently working through Ezekiel and Psalms. An interesting combination, and not one originally designed by the plan I am reading. To be honest, I got behind in reading Isaiah and Jeremiah, so I skipped ahead and read through the minor prophets, which consequently led me to Psalms. So now in an effort to catch up, I'm working through Ezekiel as well.

I've always been fascinated by Psalms, because there aren't many people in the Bible to be called a man after God's own heart, like David was. David loved God without restraint, even in the hard times, even when it might be embarrassing (his wife, Michal, hated his singing and dancing and praising God in the streets, but David didn't care! He had to let it out! 2 Samuel 6:16). But you know what else is interesting about David? He didn't have the New Testament, all he knew was the God of the Old Testament.

Yes, I know, He is the same God. But so often we take the qualities of Jesus and reflect on those as to why we love God. He is gentle, kind, loving, accepting of any kind of people, even if he rebuked their sinfulness. The God we see in the Old Testament is fierce, just, angry and full of wrath. How can we harmonize these two pictures?

Well, David did. He was able to see God's loving traits even through the sometimes terrifying picture we have in the Old Testament. And he loved God for every aspect of who He was, not just the parts that are easy.

Reading Ezekiel has put me face-to-face with this terrifying God. The visions that Ezekiel sees are enough to make anyone feel weak in the knees! His body is made of fire, for goodness sake! (Ezekiel 8:2)

But David says that God is our Fortress, He is our Refuge (Psalms 59:16). David is helping me understand how to love the terrifying God, as well as the merciful and loving God. The God that scares me so much is ON MY SIDE! I can run and hide behind his strength and power, and he will protect me, comfort me, and give me peace.

I feel very inadequate at trying to explain what I'm learning here. So I'll go to CS Lewis for a different analogy. In his Narnia series, Jesus is portrayed by a lion, about whom Mr. Beaver says, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe! But he's good. He's the King, I tell you." (The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe)

This God, who is all powerful and fearsome, is also good and loving, and on my side. Like David says, "In God I trust and am not afraid. What can man do to me?" (Psalms 56:11) I should never fear.

So it must have been Providence that led me to read Ezekiel and Psalms at the same time, and not just my laziness at reading certain, more difficult, books! I'm learning to love God for all of who He is, and in doing so, I am able to trust Him more.

A Letter

Hi friends! If you hadn't noticed, I just made my April blogging quota by the skin of my teeth! In fact, why am I posting again, when I could just save this until tomorrow and have May's done as well? I guess I just felt like writing. This is going to be one of those stream-of-consciousness posts, because I don't really have anything to say. But my last post like this got a lot of feedback, so maybe it's the only post I'm good at? (I expect to see a lot of "Oh no, that's not true"s in my comments section!)

My neck hurts today, which is weird because I just left the choir-practor yesterday (thanks, Aunt Dottie, for getting that pronunciation in my head!). Audrey is up past 30 pounds, but still believes she's my baby (that's OK, she is!) and wants me to hold her a lot. So my neck, shoulders, and back are always in pain. The choir-practor had really been helping up until now, and the appointment I had yesterday was a bit too new-agey for my taste (what does "You have unlimited life-force" mean?) (No, don't tell me, not really interested.).

Hugo is driving me crazy! When he has to go out, he prances around the room like a maniac, and his long nails click click click on the floor until I want to kick him. Hmmm... should I not admit that? I'd never do it! *click click click* But I don't want to take him out right now because Audrey is asleep (for once! she rarely naps anymore) and any movement *click click click* outside this back room might wake her up!

Sometimes I think her light day-sleeping is just an excuse for me to sit and watch TV with my computer or ipad on my lap, but no really, it's true. I remember telling my cousin not even to open the door, because she'd wake up screaming. She didn't believe me, opened the door, and Audrey woke up screaming! And now Hugo is pawing at the door, so I have a dilemma on my hands... Wake up the screaming toddler or clean up a pile of poop? What would you do?

*click click click*

Weirdly, I think I'd rather clean up the poop. Having a baby changes your priorities, believe me. And what you can stand... For example, my squeamish husband has cleaned poop out of the bathtub while in the middle of giving my daughter a bath. That is something I never could have possibly imagined him doing pre-daughter!

I'm addicted to dragon games on my iPad. Or castle games. I'm reading Wheel of Time still, and we started watching Game of Thrones. I used to play World of Warcraft, and I fall asleep every night listening to Harry Potter or LOTR. Sensing a pattern here? I didn't until the other night, while watching Game of Thrones, I was playing Dragonvale, Dragon Story, Castle Story, Lil' Kingdom, The Sims Medieval, and The Hobbit: Kingdoms of Middle Earth. It's getting excessive.

I'm also watching How I Met Your Mother reruns. I'm not sure why. I just like sitcoms, even though this show went seriously downhill after about season 3. I also like to have something on in the background while I work at night. Barney is starting to remind me of one of my friends who reads this blog, too. Not sure why, his sense of humor I guess? Not his womanizing!

The leaves are coming out and the flowers have bloomed and it's just a gorgeous time of year. Do you know I hated spring during my school years? It always signaled change to me, and that scared me. But now I feel like I'm finally appreciating its beauty. I feel bad for Ryan with his horrible allergies.

*click click click*

OK, Audrey is awake and it's now safe to take out the dog. The urge to kick has not stopped, but the writing has kept it at bay. At least now I don't have to make that unpleasant choice!

Amy

P.S. Nevermind.

MOPs and Pinterest

About a year ago, I got it into my head that I'd like to join a MOPs group. But there wasn't a single group nearby! So I spoke to the leadership at my church about starting our own, and we did! We've been meeting once a month (with discussion and craft time), with a scattering of play groups and special events. I've enjoyed it so much, and love that it is a way that I can use my love for crafting! Pinterest has been a huge source of those crafts, but I also am very fortunate that I have a fully functioning pottery studio at my fingertips! So several of our meetings have offered pottery painting. We've also had a couple events at the pottery studio, where the moms can get in touch with their artistic side, while their children are cared for and lunch is provided afterwards.

Here are some of the other crafts we've tried:

Honey-Brown-Sugar-Scrub-Recipe

This was one of my favorites! We did these for our Easter meetings, and after the meeting, I made a bunch more to hang on my pussy willows.

Magnets - We did button magnets, but also picture frame magnets, Bible verse magnets, and more! Another fun, easy one.

Lip Gloss - we did this one with the scrub (the meeting was on self-care as a mom), and it was a good thing. I don't think it came out great, but it was fun to try!

We did bored jars and conversation starter jars.

This one is so cute! We had it on the wall for the Christmas season, and Audrey had fun with it for about a minute. But still worth it!

That's a few of them! And oh! I have so many more fun ideas! Thankfully, we will be doing our MOPs group for another year starting in September. If you're a mom in the area, come and join us!

What I've Learned from Audrey: A Work in Progress

I started writing a post entitled "What I've Learned from Audrey" and had so many points listed out, I thought instead that it could be a series, of which this is the second. When I first started writing that post, I'll be honest, it was just to get one done in the month of May. But it really caused me to start thinking about the past two years, all I've learned, and how much I've changed through motherhood. And once in a while, a little introspection is probably a good thing. One of the scariest things about motherhood is the burden that we carry to pass on every lesson that we've learned the hard way and the knowledge of the impossibility of the task and the fact that our children will probably have to learn their own lessons the hard way, anyway! But I know in this short time that I do have with my daughter, I can make a (hopefully!) positive impact on her life.

I have to be so careful about what I say, or even how I perceive myself, because whether I want her to or not, Audrey will emulate me, especially in her youth. I want her to be confident, to love Jesus, to be compassionate and forgiving, among so many other things. Because of that, I have to be those things as well.

Even at two years old, I already see trying to be like me. Sometimes it's wonderful, like when she hugs me tightly and says, "I love you sooo much!" which is exactly what I say to her. Sometimes it's just in her expressions or silliness. But I know the time is coming when I'll recognize in her something that's not good in me.

I guess, in her own way, Audrey is teaching me to live the way I should have been living all along. By pursuing Jesus, by being healthier, by being kind, by prioritizing my time. It's still a struggle, but now I not only see the results in my own life, but in her's as well. So this burden that I carry is pushing me to improve myself and be the best mother I can be.

I feel the need to quote Frasier here:

F: "I meant burden in it's nicest sense!" F's dad: "As in, 'gee, what a lovely burden!'??"

This is indeed a "lovely burden".

Related: What I've Learned from Audrey: Love

30 Days of Thanks: Day 25

I've considered changing the title of these post to "Days of Thanks" because clearly I've missed a few postings, but I decided not to. Even though I haven't posted, I've been very conscious of what I am thankful for every day because I know I should be posting. I should probably try to keep this up all year, since it's giving me a more grateful spirit! Today I am thankful for all the people that love my daughter (almost) as much as I do. It gives me such joy to know that other people see in her the wonders that I see. And even more so, I'm thankful that Jesus loves her even more than I do. What peace that brings me! No matter what happens to me, there will be other people in this world to love my baby. And no matter what happens to her, she will always be in God's loving hands.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 20

Today I'm so thankful for God's provision over my life. Today I almost hit a deer while I was driving on one of our windy, wooded, back roads. I've never had to swerve to miss hitting a deer before, and it was quite traumatic. I realized if there had been an oncoming car, or if I hadn't been paying attention, things could have been a lot different. So I am thankful we are safe (my daughter was in the car with me!), and I'm thankful That my life is in God's hands. I'm so thankful that He takes care of me.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 13

OK, I've decided to stop "cheating" and just skip a few days. It doesn't mean I wasn't thankful on those days though! But I guess I was less intentional about it. I probably should have done this on Twitter just to start with, but I like the chance to write not only what I'm thankful for, but why. Today I am thankful for texting. Now, before you dismiss this as silliness, let me explain my reasons. First of all, in the busyness of life, sometimes it's hard to keep up with your precious old friends. But it's so easy to write a text and just let them know you are thinking of them, or ask them how they are. Or even remind them of an old inside joke. I send those a lot, and I love to receive them!

Secondly, I have a failing when it comes to meeting new people. I don't come across as friendly. I get nervous. I trip over my words. It takes a while for me to get to know someone, so in the meantime, I can text them! I can plan exactly what I want to say and not worry about not being able to find the right word. It can really be helpful for me as a way to build new relationships.

So yes, today I'm thankful for texting as a means of continuing and building friendships. And even though it's embarrassing to admit this, I can't be the only one because otherwise, why has texting become so popular?

30 Days of Thanks: Days 5-8

Ok, so this is cheating a bit, but even though I didn't write the actual post, I was thinking about what I was thankful for on each day, which I will now record. Day 5: I'm thankful for my cozy, little home. Day 6: I'm thankful that my parents live nearby and that Audrey will have them in her life. Day 7: I'm thankful for the changing seasons that keep life interesting, and the snow that makes everything seem so pure and beautiful. Day 8: I'm thankful for new friends.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 4

Tonight I'm thankful for books on tape. I grew up watching my grandmother listening/falling asleep to books on tape and wondered why she enjoyed them so much. But in the past year, I've really started to understand. Not only is it so fun and almost comforting to be read to, it's also a great way to multitask! Have you ever tried to multitask while reading? Almost impossible! But with books on tape, I can do anything else at the same time: exercising, chores, crocheting, playing games on ipad, or even writing blog posts! I feel like I'm getting a lot of reading done, despite not having a chance to pick up a book recently! So that makes me really thankful.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 3

Today we got our power back! This past week after Hurricane Sandy was not fun, so I'm definitely thankful to have our power back (and to all the people who are working tirelessly to get it all fixed)! But instead of making that my topic, I'd instead like to be thankful for many of the things we DID have this past week: A place to stay during and after the storm Safety for my family A wood burning fire place A gas grill Good fellowship with my parents An ipad for Audrey to watch movies at night A warm bed with tons of blankets

I'm sure I could go on and on, despite my complaining of no power, but these posts are supposed to be short!

30 Days of Thanks: Day 2

Today I'm thankful for a husband who loves me. He works so hard to not only provide for his family, but to buy us fun gifts! Today, my new ipad mini arrived that Ryan had used his own gift card to buy me, and woke up at 3am to place the order! And this is my first post using it!

30 Days of Thanks: Day 1

Since today is November 1, I've decided to try to post a new thankful post every day (not an original idea, but one I liked enough to steal). Today, I'm thankful for language. That may sound a little bit weird, but I am a blogger, right? But, more importantly, my daughter used her first few sentences today, and one of them was "Mommy, I love you." Only it was way cuter than that because love came out "Wuv" and my heart completely melted. I am so thankful that she is learning to use language to get her thoughts, needs, and feelings across. Wouldn't it be so frustrating not to be able to do that?

So that's what I'm thankful for today.

I'm a Hobbit

OK, so that title was misleading, because now you think you're going to read yet another post on the Lord of the Rings (or some other type of fantasy fiction) from me, right?  Yesterday, I said to my husband, "You know what I've just learned about myself? I have a lot of hobbies. Way too many hobbies. So many hobbies that many of them get put on the back burner to make room for new hobbies, and then make a reappearance once in a while. In fact, I have a wish list of hobbies that I want to take up once I have the time and money."

And he, knowing my penchant for anything LOTR said, "So you're saying you're a hobbit?"

Isn't he witty? What a funny play on words.

Anyway, as any avid reader of my blog knows, I have a lot of hobbies, which means I have a lot of unfinished projects. But I've started to notice a pattern this year: I have made a concerted effort to finish things I've previously left undone.

You know that stack of books you have on your nightstand that you've been working your way through for years, but in the meantime you've read a whole bunch of more entertaining books? This year I've made significant progress on them.

And even today, I pulled out a blanket I had begun knitting over two years ago and put a couple hours work into it.

I think having a lot of hobbies is good. I pride myself on having a lot of interests, of doing a lot of reading, of trying new things, and having the ability to do a lot of things (notice I leave out the word "well"). But I think there's a lot of value in finishing what you started, as well. It's about commitment and perseverance and getting back up after you fall. It's something I want to teach Audrey, so it's something I want her to see in me as well.

OK, so finishing a boring book or an ugly little afghan doesn't sound like a big deal. But it is to me.

So before I take up any new hobbies (my latest fascination is cupcake decorating - hence all the new items on my Amazon wish list), I'm making big efforts to tie up old projects. And because any post of mine wouldn't be the same without a list, here is my list of current hobbies/projects:

• crocheting (toys, blankets, gifts, slippers, etc)

• knitting (not the same thing as crocheting, believe me)

• sewing (just a few small blankets, maybe a couple dolls, oh, and a little purse or two)

• painting (Paper app on iPad, pottery)

• writing (this blog, other blogs)

• reading (pile of boring books, the infamous Summer Reading List, WoT, and my wonderful new subscription to Audible.com)

• other various crafty things (see my Pinterest boards!)

• walking (not sure if this counts as a hobby, but I do it every day and I realized my list was sounding very sedentary...)

(I wish I could still count many other things, but my time is otherwise spoken for. But as I said, the above is a current list. I'll make another list next year and it will be drastically different!)

All in all, I think that list shows that my husband is right: I am a hobbit!

I can't stand frogs who speak English.

I've been watching a lot of Curious George recently. I don't mean that as a complaint, because it is a cute show, and certainly better than a lot of children's shows! But in watching it, I've realized that I am now officially a grown up. It all started a few years ago when I read The Wind in the Willows and hated it (read my reasons why here). That should have been my first clue! I had such issues with a frog who could pass for a cleaning woman and animals that could apparently speak English. These are not issues that would bother a child!

When I was young, I lived in another world. I had pretend friends (yes, that's plural), a pretend unicorn (I guess I don't need the word "pretend" there), and like I said, a pretend world (called "Magic Land"). It was located on the rings of Saturn and I would ride my unicorn around them all day! (I also had two older brothers, Peter and Bobby, who interestingly looked a lot like their namesakes on The Brady Bunch.)

And what language do you think my unicorn spoke? English!

Now I watch Curious George and I wonder, how do all these people not realize their waiter is a monkey? Why is that restaurant reviewer not bothered by the monkey making her soup? Aren't there health code violations here?

But Audrey just giggles and makes monkey sounds.

So here I am, a boring, old, grown-up. Apparently, I can't find the magic in life any more.* But on the other hand, I have a beautiful, little daughter who is just discovering that monkeys can make soup and frogs can speak English, so maybe I can pretend with her a little while longer.

*Maybe this isn't really true, given that my favorite genre is fantasy fiction! Why don't I have a problem with worlds that are inhabited by hobbits, elves, wizards, and all sorts of other magical creatures, but it really bothers me when frogs dress up as cleaning women to escape prison???