Mourn with those who Mourn

I wrote this after wondering why I do this to myself sometimes: I just let myself sit and cry, and the grief isn’t always my own. Sometimes I’m crying for friends or family who are hurting, I’m crying for the church, or the world. It feels like a heavy cost, and I wonder what is the payoff? And then I remembered God’s upside-down kingdom, and our prayer to “Let your kingdom come.” Something in me stirred and I realized these tears are kingdom work. I can’t explain it, but this is me trying.

I invite Grief in to sit with me and weep.

Alone, with no one to hear or see,

I cry with those in mourning,

For the oppressed,

And for the suffering.

I know this weeping is good work, 

But I don’t know why. 

I know it keeps my heart soft,

My eyes open, my ears listening.

I know Grief is a friend of mine.

But Grief is more than just for me.

Grief is a warrior.

One who fights for the suffering.

And when I invite Grief in,

I am a warrior, too.

When I sit with the grief of others

I am advancing the kingdom of God.

My tears are doing battle.

I am alone with Grief,

But I am doing the work of God.

I can’t explain it,

But I know it’s good. 

My friendship with Grief is a gift.

A gift I will willingly share with others,

Even though it costs me.

Even when they don’t know,

I share this gift with others

Because I have nothing else to give. 

My tears are the widow’s mite, 

An offering to God.

I invite Grief in to sit with me and weep.

Alone, with no one to hear or see.

I cry with those who suffer,

For those who are oppressed,

And for those who mourn.

What I've Learned as Director of Children's Ministry

I have been thinking for a while of blogging more about my role as Children’s Ministry Director at my church, so today I am writing about something that has been on my mind for a while. In fact, a few days ago, I prayed that God would give me “eyes to see the invisible and ears to hear what people are really saying.” It struck me as very a very powerful image that I prayed that prayer and then immediately walked out of the main sanctuary back to my job with the kids. So here is the first installment of what I’ve learned as Director of Children’s Ministry.

I am an advocate for the invisible: kids in the church.

One of my goals since I began this job has been to make our children in the church visible. I highlight them in the service as often as I can. I bring other people back into the classrooms as much as I can. I need these children to know that they are seen by other members of the church, and by extension, Jesus himself. I tell my youth volunteers that even if they are struggling with their own beliefs (as they should at their age!), they are still representing Jesus to these little ones. But I think everyone in the church should also hear this message: You are representing Jesus to those around you, especially the children. If the children feel loved and seen by you, they will feel loved and seen by Jesus. Because that’s what Jesus does. And by his grace and favor, he uses His church to do it.

I am an advocate for the invisible servants of the church: children’s ministry volunteers.

I want my volunteers to know that this is a high calling and that they are seen by me (I try to bring lots of gifts to prove it!) and by God. It isn’t something to dread, but actually an opportunity to learn and to be blessed. But it’s not the kind of church volunteering that will bring accolades or compliments (this isn’t the worship team!*). It is almost an invisible task and the blessings you will receive will be on the inside and yours alone. Because you will receive blessing from being with the kids. You will be amazed by their questions, their sweetness, and their sheer energy! You will be reminded of your youth. You may even wish that more people had reached out to you in your own youth, and then you’ll realize that that is exactly what you are doing for these kids. And they will remember. That in itself is a burden and blessing. And all this doesn’t even consider what you will learn from the lessons themselves. Lest you think these lessons are only for children, they are not. They are timeless for a reason. 

I am doing the work of Jesus: seeing the invisible and helping others to see them, too. 

I remind myself of this a lot, especially when I struggle with feeling invisible. But when I am doing my job for God’s glory, it is incredibly rewarding and humbling. When I can lift up others who feel invisible, I am almost brought to my knees in praise and adoration: what a gift that God invites me in to this good work! If I can help others to see that God sees them and invites them in as well, then I will have done my job.

*I absolutely love our worship team! My point is children’s ministry is not in front of the whole church (as are many other behind-the-scenes jobs… “like the person running sound”, points out my husband…)

An Abundance of Time

If you’ve been reading my blog or looking at my artwork recently, you will already know that the three words that I’ve been meditating on are beauty, freedom, and abundance. These are the three areas I have been trying to live into and see everywhere. And believe it or not, you can find these things everywhere, if you will just have eyes to see them. Sometimes “eyes to see” just means taking the time to look, sometimes it means shifting your perspective, sometimes it could even mean some serious self-care or mental healthcare. 

Today I want to talk about my path of seeing the abundance of God, and even how it relates it to my anxiety. This is just my story, and everyone will have a different story to tell. But I hope it can be an encouragement to someone.

I have heard that anxiety is your body being constantly ready for something to happen, even if there is no immediate threat! I feel this a lot when it comes to time or productivity. My natural inclination when I feel high anxiety is to just go with it and keep doing and doing and doing until I can cross off as many things as possible from my list. Logically, this should make me feel better, right? If I’m anxious about there being enough time to get everything done, then a few hours of high productivity should make me feel better! Unfortunately, that’s never how it works. 

I remember the exact moment it hit me that the opposite is actually true. I was starting to get that panicky feeling. It was getting late in the day and I was tired. I started to notice piles of stuff everywhere (that’s usually how it starts for me: noticing all there is to do). It suddenly feels like I am drowning and I will never be free, never get done, never be good enough. My impulse was to get to work and push through. But then it occurred to me that maybe I actually needed rest, instead.

Now, resting when I am feeling panicky or anxious is really hard! Taking deep breaths, putting on music, taking a walk, playing the piano, or even just sitting outside are all things that have helped me in those moments. Audiobooks help a lot, too. I don’t have it in me to read, but listening can be soothing.

My spiritual director helped me come up with a breath prayer for moments like these as well. I told her about a time earlier that week when I was telling myself “I just have to push through the rest of this day” when a very clear thought came into my head: God doesn’t want me living like this. Every moment is a gift, I don’t want to squander them by just “pushing through”. 

But the truth is, laundry still has to get done, dishes still have to be washed, children still have to be fed. And honestly, those moments won’t just stop coming. So the next time I feel that impulse, praying in the form of deep breaths:

Inhale: Lord, lift up my head

Exhale: To see your beauty

In taking a deep breath, I literally have to change my posture and actually lift up my head. But I am metaphorically changing my posture, too. I am asking for “eyes to see”, even in those hard moments. 

One of my goals this year was to do more things that have no purpose, or that don’t make sense on the outside. And with the aforementioned realization of needing rest instead of more work, it suddenly felt like this goal was the answer! Just taking the time when you feel like there is no time somehow multiplies the time! This is God’s economy at work, friends. This is abundance.

Rob Walker, in The Art of Noticing, claims that taking the time to notice our surroundings in different ways sparks creativity. I say absolutely yes, and so much more. Taking the time to do something different, or seemingly pointless, helps us see the abundance of God! Not just in our time (but that, too!) but in our world! 

And I have found that in making an effort to take that time, my anxiety about having enough time has lessened. 

Surrendering this to God has been hard, and breaking the patterns of 40 years of living is definitely going to be a process - one that I am doing imperfectly (and that’s OK!). I know God is continuing a good work in me and it’s bigger than I can put in this post. But I have been amazed at how much I have been set free in the surrendering, and how much more I can see of the beauty all around and the abundant life He promises.

This is a little infographic to help me remember that God’s economy looks different from ours. Somehow He multiplies where we hoard.

A Harvest of Abundance

I wrote a few weeks (maybe months?) ago about an art journaling class I am taking hosted by my friend, Farrell. In the process of taking this class, three words began to emerge as powerful and meaningful to me: beauty, freedom, and abundance. I’ve noticed how somehow those three words are showing up in every art journal page, so I decided to do a blog series featuring some of my pages, and just explaining my thought process of each.

This page’s assignment was to create a pumpkin, perfect for this time of year. I wanted to paint a teal, knobbly pumpkin with lots of texture. I used a stencil of grapes to make the texture you see all over the pumpkin.

Grapes have become a symbol of abundance for me. And harvest time really is a time of abundance, isn’t it? The harvest is coming in before the winter and all of a sudden it’s easy to see the abundance of food and life. But all too soon, winter sets in and our mindset of scarcity is back. In fact, I would say that most of our lives are lived out of scarcity. Sometimes I wonder if we actually prefer to live in scarcity: there’s always not enough time, not enough money, not enough space, not enough love.

But seeing the world with eyes of abundance is worth fighting for, and I believe it’s what God wants for us! I highly recommend this video by the Bible Project on Generosity. This is exactly what the video talks about: that scarcity is a mindset, and Jesus calls us to live differently.

In this pumpkin I wrote “a harvest of abundance” in the corner, because not only does a harvest imply abundance, but I also want to harvest a mindset of abundance in my life. It takes work; it takes a shift of my thoughts. But I know it’s worth it.

Reynie

We just adopted the most adorable Dwarf Netherland bunny. I should say that technically he was a gift to our daughter for her 10th birthday, but he has quickly made his way into all of our hearts. After much thought, she decided to name him Reynie, after the main character in a great series of middle grade novels! It also suits his gray color. So here are a few illustrations/sketches that I’ve been playing around with of bunnies, as well as a nature scene that I dropped a bunny into (and a real picture for reference)!

Book Recommendation for Autumn

The Leaf Thief by Alice Hemming.

This is a cute story and my kids and I chuckled quite a bit as we read it out loud together. Also, the illustrations are just lovely and perfect for fall reading.

From Amazon:

Perfect for fans of Fletcher and the Falling Leaves, The Leaf Thief is a funny picture book that teaches kids about autumn, adapting to change, and the seasons.

Squirrel loves counting the leaves on his tree--red leaves, gold leaves, orange, and more. But hold on! One of his leaves is missing! On a quest to find the missing leaf, Squirrel teams up with his good friend Bird to discover who the leaf thief could be among their forest friends.

Beauty, Freedom, Abundance

These three words have been on my heart the past few months and I finally realized that this is how I want to see the world, with eyes that seek beauty, freedom, and abundance. I want them to be written on the frame in which I see every landscape, every sorrow, every joy, every face. But sometimes I need the reminder to actively seek these things, and not expect them to just come passing by.

Today I read in The Art of Noticing by Rob Walker that you should take a piece of plastic and point it at a scene. Then describe that scene with markers on the piece of plastic. Now shift the plastic to another scene and see how the words could possibly fit. I thought I can make that work with my three words as well!

So this is the scene I look at from my office, and these are the three things I want to seek in every place I look. It’s easy to see them here. But may I be the kind of person that can find these three things anywhere and then help to show them to others as well.

A couple faces

A picture of my daughter, done in a slightly different style than I usually do. But I like how it turned out!

This drawing is for the Luca challenge on Instagram! It’s me as part human, part sea monster!

Book Recommendations: Back to School!

I love these two back-to-school books, because they focus on the mothers’ love for their child, and how that can help their child get through the nerves of the first day. (This reminds me of 1 John 4:18.)

We read The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn every eve of the first day of school, and we have for years now! In this book, the mother gives her child a kiss on his hand, and tells him to use it whenever he needs it during his school day. Now we give each other Kissing Hands, and my kids laugh and laugh that I can never resist “using it” right away.

Love by Corrinne Averiss is a new book that we read this year. (My son didn’t like it, but probably because it’s about a little girl instead of a little boy!) But it is a sweet idea and one that I think can help calm nerves about the first day of school. It reminds me a lot of The Kissing Hand. The idea of Love is that we all have strings that connect us to the people we love, and it is comforting to know the string is always there.

So for anyone starting school this week, or who has started school already, or starts school sometime soon, I hope you know you are so loved!

Musings on the Fear Mountain

The fear is like a mountain, only it’s like a living mountain with arms that reach out to me in my weaker moments. I think the mountain can shrink over time. In fact, if I’m reading the Bible correctly, I think that’s what happens eventually. The fear shrinks and shrinks and then disappears. I’m not sure if that ever happens completely this side of heaven, though. In my experience, limited though it is, the mountain never goes anywhere. It’s a mountain. It doesn’t move. It doesn’t get smaller. 

It’s just a matter of whether I look at it or not. 

It’s a matter of whether I give it space in my thoughts or not. 

It’s a matter of me saying “God is good.” And then realizing if I really believe that, then fear can have no room in my heart. 

It’s a matter of saying “Do I trust God or not?” If the answer is yes, then I cannot look at that mountain. I can’t even glance that way. My only response is to stare into the face of Jesus and never look away. 

Someone once asked me about the fear. I’m sorry to say that my response sounded callous. It is because I have realized that even talking about the fear gives it room in my heart sometimes. But later I revisited the conversation and said “I didn’t mean to sound callous. The fear you mentioned is heavy on my heart. But I just cannot give it room anymore.”

The fear is still there, and it’s a mountain. A mountain of fear. A scary mountain with rampaging arms and gnashing teeth. 

But it’s getting easier not to look at it.

Do I trust God or not? Even with the most precious things in my life, do I trust him? 

Before having children, “trusting in Jesus” was a completely abstract idea for me. I could say that I trusted Jesus, but I was never put to the test, so I’m not sure I actually did. I’m struck that in order to actually trust Jesus, I had to be left feeling completely helpless first. And if having children enter the world doesn’t do that to a parent, I don’t know what will. (I know it’s not just having children that teaches trust, that’s just how it worked for me.)

So do I trust God or not? Even with the most precious things in my life, do I trust him? 

That question has become my mantra. 

It never occurred to me before how much this sounded like Peter walking on water. He had to keep his eyes on Jesus or he would fall. And he did fall. 

I guess I should admit that sometimes I do glance over at the mountain. That is my fall. I imperfectly keep my eyes on Jesus. But I also can see how far I’ve come. 

Maybe that’s a better metaphor. Maybe I am walking and the mountain used to be looming above me, obstructing my path. But walking with Jesus in the helpless moments gave me the way around it, and I am slowly making my way towards him, away from the mountain. Maybe that’s why the mountain never shrinks, it just is easier not to look at it all the time because I have taken steps away from it. But it’s still there, and if I give it room, it can take up my whole heart again. 

I guess the metaphor falls apart here. 

Nevertheless, the fear is a mountain and it hasn’t gone away. But the question “Do I trust God or not?” has made all the difference. That simple, terrifying, surrendering question has made all the difference and I am a new person because of it. Because I can say that yes, I do. 

What's on the Book Pile? Summer Edition

This picture sums up my summer reading very well. Mostly a mix of fiction, from middle-grade to popular adult. There’s always a Harry Potter in the mix and maybe one or two non-fictions. As always, if you’d like a complete list, follow me on Goodreads, where I have lapsed in writing reviews, but still try to count and rate each one finished. I am also 19 books behind schedule, according to my goal set back in January, and I think that is also very telling about my summer reading (or lack thereof).

As to these specific books, I’ll discuss from top to bottom:

1. The Jaguar’s Jewel (A to Z Mysteries) by Ron Roy. This is a series I am working through with my 7-year-old son and he is very into them. They are all mysteries, so he gets excited at the end of each chapter and wants to continue reading. I count that a success! He could easily read these himself (if you are curious about the reading level of these books), but I choose to read them out loud to him.

2. Be the Bridge by Latasha Morrison. This is an amazing book about racial reconciliation by a compassionate and wise Christian woman. We read this book as a church and then came together to discuss once a week. I would definitely recommend. It’s still on the book pile, though, because I have yet to read the last few pages!

3. Bliss by Kathryn Littlewood. This was recommended to me by my 10-year-old daughter, and when she asks me to read a book, you better believe I’m going to read that book! This is not a chore, though, because as previously mentioned, I really do love middle-grade fiction.

4. This Tender Land by William Kent Krueger. I have recently joined an unofficial bookclub with my two cousins! We talk on the Voxer app about which books we are reading and which ones we love. This one came highly recommended by both cousins, so I am anxious to get into it more. So far it is sad. I hope the payoff is coming! (I think it is.)

5. The Fowl Twins by Eoin Colfer. I am a huge fan of the Artmis Fowl books (yes, more middle grade fiction), so I was happy to see another book in the same universe! Have yet to start it, but check Goodreads for it’s rating once I finish. (And read the Artemis Fowl books if you haven’t. Actually, listen to them because the reader, Nathaniel Parker, is phenomenal.)

6. Children of Exile by Margaret Peterson Haddix. I have yet to read this one, but I discovered this author this summer and have read a couple others of hers and she is so good. The books of hers that I have read I would call Science Fiction Lite (is that a thing?).

7. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling. I am reading this one with my daughter and we are enjoying it together. It’s so fun sharing some of your interests with your kids and having them be interested, too!

Not pictured (audio books):

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman. This book was sad and sweet and was a story of healing. And while I would recommend the book and the narrator, I do not recommend listening in the middle of the night, because there were some parts that the narrator portrayed as quite creepy!

The Trials of Apollo: The Hidden Oracle by Rick Riodan. Another book by Rick Riordan about the Greek gods. This one is from the god Apollo’s perspective, which is not my favorite, but still humorous and entertaining.

Book Recommendation: Spiders?!

This book is an all-time favorite in this house. We found it at the library years ago and kept checking it out over and over again. Finally I caved and just bought a copy! And guess what, it’s still a favorite! My kids are older now, but will still pull this book out occasionally and just laugh and laugh.

(I need to warn you, however, that the title is a bit misleading. I am not now, nor have I ever, tried to love spiders. And though the book is entertaining and has convinced me of their usefulness, I still feel no affinity for the crawly creatures!)

I’m Trying to Love Spiders, written and illustrated by Bethany Barton. She has some fun printables on her website to go along with her books!

We’ve also enjoyed her other books on Bees and Math, though I’m sorry to say we still do not love either of those things either.

Paper Dolls

These three girls remind me of paper dolls, so look for them in my activity pages soon! It was just fun practicing different eye types, hair styles, and dresses.

Artwork Update

I have not been posting much because I have completely lost control of my summer schedule. You know how in the beginning of summer you put together a “Summer Bucket List” and a daily schedule and you have such high hopes because this summer is going to be different? Well it’s only July 9 and I have given up on the daily schedule or getting any of my own work done!

But just because I haven’t been posting or illustrating (either for my upcoming book or for Instagram), doesn’t mean I haven’t been art-ing. First of all, I have been taking an art journaling course with my friend Farrell called “Take Heart”. I highly recommend this course! It has been so fun to just completely let loose and be free of expectations in my art! And it is geared towards anyone - you do not have to have any prior artistic knowledge (or be local, as the lessons are on YouTube and the meetings are over Zoom).

I’ve also been playing around with different digital art, as seen in the gallery below. I love to support other artists and one of them creates beautiful brushes for Procreate (the app I use for most of my illustrations). Her brushes are the ones I used for these, and I just love how they turned out. I will be adding all of these to my shop on Society6.

So that’s my summer so far! What about you? Have you lost control of your summer, too?

Book Recommendation: Last Stop on Market Street

I absolutely love Last Stop on Market Street by Matt de la Peña and illustrated by Christian Robinson. It is the story of CJ and his grandmother taking the bus on a Sunday afternoon. We don’t know where they are going until the end (which is a very sweet surprise, so I won’t ruin it), but most of the book is about the journey and the community on the bus. CJ’s grandmother helps him to see the good, the exciting, and the beauty in the mundane.

My favorite part of the story is this:

He reached for his Nana’s hand.
“How come it’s always so dirty over here?”
She smiled and pointed to the sky.
”Sometimes when you’re surrounded by dirt, CJ,
you’re a better witness for what’s beautiful.”…
He wondered how his nana always found beautiful where he never even thought to look.

Can I just say that I want to be just like CJ’s grandma?

And if you didn’t believe me about our love for my last book recommendation, I snapped this picture this morning. My son and his Dino were reading about the goldfish and once again so worried about whether they got the right fish!

Even so, it’s a fun read.

Book Recommendations, Summer Vacation

It’s officially summer and I hope many of your are thinking about, and planning(!), your vacations! My pick for a book about summer vacations is Goldfish on Vacation by Sally Lloyd-Jones and illustrated by Leo Espinosa. This is a true story about a city fountain being the temporary home of New York City’s pet goldfish population! I love this one because the children never actually leave the city, but just having their goldfish go on vacation is enough to bring so much excitement to the summer!

The big question in my house is “How do they know they got the right goldfish in the end?” My answer is “They just know their fish.” If you want to know more, you’ll have to read the book!

A quick note about the author and illustrator links I’ve been including: They are worth visiting! The illustrators’ especially have beautiful pictures up on their homepages and it’s been so fun to see all the different styles and subjects. Also, Sally Lloyd-Jones’ site in particular has a lot of good resources for parents and children!

Some Fairy Sketches

A few weeks ago, I introduced you to my newest character: a fairy named Lucy. While I’m not ready to show you any of my actual finished illustrations of her yet, I thought it might be interesting to see some of the sketches that got me to my final product. Do you have a favorite?

Animal Illustrations

I have been practicing illustrations that I think would be more appealing to children, so they mostly include animals doing human things. Here are my first two, and I’m taking suggestions for other animals and/or activities you’d like to see them doing!